January 28, 2009 Peter

Communicating in Marriage

The Simple answer is to just SPEAK OUT!  My dad always told me that if you ask for something you may not get it. HOWEVER: IF YOU DON’T ASK YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO NEVER GET IT.

Maybe it was when we were young during our our most malleable  years that we learned (and encouraged) to either not express fully our wants and desires or at least think that we have to manipulate situations to get what we wanted. If someone feels they are going to be ridiculed or are insecure with their wants and desires they may resort to strong words and/or passive (aggressive) behaviors. These behaviors can be destructive to any healthy relationship. 

The two may become one flesh when they say, “I do,” but it is a process to have a relationship with one mind. Although it has always been wished by all wives for the husband to read her mind it still has not be attained. Therefore, it is the responsibility of each spouse to communicate their wants and desires. It is the responsibility of each spouse to communicate in such a way that the other spouse understands what is being said. 

This is not exhaustive (if you have any ideas let me know) but here are a few ideas to keep in mind when communicating your wants and desires:

USE THE WORD “I”

Your wants and desires are yours so when you communicate them use the word, “I” in your requests. 

For example,

  • “I want to  . . . .”
  • “I am concerned about . . . “

Also, if a particular request is important to you then be sure to communicate how important it is to you. Remember that each person sees the world through a different set of eyes. Therefore, no matter how much they love you they can’t and won’t see the world fully as you do. So speak out about your request.

If the answer is “NO” and you are not satisfied with it then ask questions to find out why it is, “NO.” Never become or sound abrasive. The goal is always to seek to understand. Sometimes the one who said “NO” may get defensive and get off the topic. Just be empathetic and communicate that you are seeking only to understand.

PRESERVE THE INDIVIDUAL

Everyone has to be free to make their own choices and suffer their own consequences. You never want to be in the place that you are forcing anyone to do anything. This is why it is important to find out why someone may not be interested in something or their answer to you wants and desire is, “NO.” 

CONCLUSION

Although the world around us may become complex and complicated, relationships should never become as such. A marriage is as simple as two people going in the same direction attempting to reach the same goal. One aspect of growing together is to grow and have one mind.  And the only way to do so is to let the other person know what your mind is thinking and what you are feeling.  

Have any other ideas when communicating your wants and desires?

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